Fenix vs. Qui Gonn Jin Part II
by Eagle Squad
Summary: Part two of the struggle between the Templar of Aiur and the powerful jedi. More action than the last with a little less humor.


The Head Eye Council

Sequel to "Fenix versus Qui Gonn Ginn"

If you haven't read the first part of this adventure, remember that Kerrigan is human on this story.  The language isn't bad but there is a little bit of crude sexual humor.  You may need to read the first part to understand some things.  

When we last left our heroes, they were taking, um, our other heroes to the planet of Aiur  to face criminal charges for damaging Protoss Conclave property, or so they thought.  Meanwhile Fenix and Obi Wan Kenobi try to trick the Protoss into taking them to Aiur.

Scene I:

Tassadar: I'm not exactly sure how to get to Aiur from here, Fenix, see what the computer can tell us.

(Fenix inputs the information into the computer)

Fenix: Shoot, the computer must be malfunctioning.

Tassadar: What's the matter?

Fenix: The computer says that Aiur is 3 million light years away!!

Tassadar: Dog Gonnit!! Didn't I tell you to upgrade to Planet Finder 2.0 two weeks ago?

Fenix: We did.  It must be the system. I TOLD Aldaris we should have got Gateway instead of Dell!!!

Tassadar: We were going to remember? But you wanted this one because it had a better graphics card.  Anyways, can't you get tech support on the line?

Fenix: The prisoners will be old and gray by the time we can get a transmission down there.

(Fenix and Tassadar continue discussing the problem, while Obi Wan and Qui Gonn discuss their plan to trick them into carrying them to Coruscant)

Obi Wan: Masta!! They are trying to find their so-called planet Aiur.  If we tell them we know where it is, we can take this toy blimp thing to Coruscant and have them arrested.

Qui Gonn: I am going to speak with the Jedi council about those creatures with the glowing eyes.  Do you suppose that they are with the sith??

Obi Wan: You know what masta, that is probably what they ah!!

Qui Gonn: We will go inside the big Jedi training building and fight them later.

Obi Wan: Masta, must we always fight Sith when we meet them? Why can't we just lock them in a building and blow it up?

Qui Gonn: Because fighting with lightsabers is cooler, Obi Wan.  Besides, the Jedi Council will pay me a bonus if I record the battle on tape and give it to them to make promotional videotape with.

(Raynor recalls flying into the wormhole and suggests that to be the cause for them being miles from home)

Fenix: I knew flying into that wormhole was a bad idea.  Now we may be stuck here forever.

Raynor: Would you rather be here, or a dead corpse on Char.

Tassadar: Look, don't worry about it you too, I've sent a dark matter message to the Arbiter, the Danimoth orbiting the planet Aiur.  If my calculations are correct, it will be received in roughly 6 months.

Raynor: And, If your calculations are not correct?

Tassadar: Then I'm suing Toys 'R Us for making such a sorry calculator…. (they give him an unconvinced look) What? It was on sale!!

(Obi Wan and Qui Gonn yell through the force field at the Protoss.)

Qui Gonn: If you are trying to get back to your home planet, I know where you can find a wormhole generator

(Raynor and the Protoss just look at each other)

Tassadar: Ok, but you are already spending a minimum of 5 years in prison.  If this is a trick, we can   easily make it ten.  Raynor, let the human out so he can give us his coordinate disk.

(They let Qui Gonn out, and he gives Raynor the coordinate disk, and Raynor looks at it.)

Raynor: 64 MB of RAM required? Tass, the ole Gateway only has 32MB of RAM.

Tassadar: Shoot!! Raynor, will you reach into that Best Buy Bag and give me the extra RAM so I can install it on the system?

(Tassadar gets the extra RAM and begins installing the RAM on the computer.)

Scene II: When we last left Kerrigan, she was trying to find a bra to fit her now humongous breasts.

(Kerrigan enters a Victoria's Secret type store and talks to the employee there)

Employee: Sorry, we don't have any clothes.  The queen's wardrobe bought them all.  All we have are panties and a few bras.

Kerrigan: I'll take one of the bras. I'll need the biggest size you have.

(The employee looks at her as if to say "I'll say")

Kerrigan: Why did you assume I was here to buy clothes?

Employee: Well, you look like a gal that is in need of some new clothes.  No offense.

Kerrigan: (rolls her eyes) Do you have any Bras or not?

Employee:  Try this one.  It's silk and it's the biggest one we have.

(Kerrigan tries it on)

Employee: You know, we do have fitting rooms.

Kerrigan: Oops, hehe.

(Kerrigan walks into the fitting room and tries on the bra.  It was just big enough.)

Kerrigan: (thinking to herself) I'll never forget that face the guy made when he saw my hooters!! I can't wait to show these babies to Jim!!

(Kerrigan exits the fitting room)

Kerrigan: I'll take it.

Employee: Where is it?

(Kerrigan lifts up her shirt just enough so that the man could scan the barcode)

Employee: (thinking to himself) God I hope my boss isn't watching.

(the employee scans the barcode)

Employee: (thinking to himself) Dang!! They aren't even plastic!!

Employee: That'll be $10.87.

Kerrigan: Do you take MasterCard?

Employee: No credit cards here ma'am, just cash.

(Kerrigan lifts up her shirt, pretending to check the price of the bra.)

Employee: Er … Um, But for you, I think we can just say it's on the house.

(Kerrigan leaves the shop, happy with her new body and her new control over unsuspecting bachelors.  She returns to the hangar at the palace to find Queen Amidala regaining conciseness)

Amidalda:  You!! You owe me 300 dollars for a new headdress!!

(all of the sudden, Padme, the REAL Queen Amidala, comes over with her body guard, Alfred. (The Amidala decoy will still be referred to as Amidala and will be referred to as Gineen by Padme))

Padme: Gineen!!  Didn't I tell you to leave on the transport with Qui Gonn and the others!!  How in the world am I going to be re-elected when you, I mean, uh, me, never show up for special senate meetings!!

Amidala: Chill out your majesty.  The republican candidate is only 12!! You are 14.  You have a two-year advantage!! 

Padme: I'm actually more worried about being kicked out of the democrat party than losing to a 12 year old.  Anyways, that's not the point.  We've got to haul booty if we are going to make it to the senate on time!!

Amidala:  But Padme!! We are too young to drive a ship.  We need a grownup.  Alfred, can you take us?

Alfred: Sorry, but I got my license suspended for FUI.

Amidala: FUI?

Alfred: Flying under influence.  Didn't they teach you about that in school, your majesty?

Amidala: I don't know, I failed the first semester of Fliers Ed.

Padme: So how are we going to get to Coruscant now? We still need a grownup with a valid license!!

(They all look at Kerrigan, especially Alfred, who does with rather wide eyes.)

Padme: You! I order you to drive me, my handmaiden and my bodyguard to Coruscant!! Alfred, keep behind her with your gun to make sure she doesn't try anything funny.

Alfred: With pleasure…

(Padme leads them to the queen's private hangar, where they will take off for Coruscant)

Scene III: Raynor and the other Protoss arrive at Coruscant, the home planet of the republic's capital. A transmission comes for them.

Transmission: Inhabitants of the strange blimp like ship, please identify yourself.

Tassadar: I am Tassadar of the Protoss Conclave, and I am here to-

Qui Gonn: I'll handle this.  (Clears throat) I am Qui Gonn Jin, ambassador to supreme Chancellor Valorum.  I am here with my apprentice to speak at the senate meeting tomorrow about the trade federation interference at Naboo.

Fenix: Do you think they will believe your lying, human?

Qui Gonn: Quiet!! Do you want to stay in this galaxy forever?

(Transmission returns)

Transmission: Identity verified.  You may land in capital bay three.

Raynor: Tassadar!! I'm picking up a Zerg force heading towards this planet!! 

Tassadar:  They must have followed us through the wormhole.  This planet may not be able to hold off the Zerg.

Qui Gonn: That tiny disturbance in the force is what you call the Zerg? I assure you we are safe from those migratory roached. They are no match for the force.

Tassadar: You are already going to have to replace those droids, human. That or go to jail.

Qui Gonn: I assure you those droids did not belong to your beloved Conclave.  They are the property of the Trade Federation.  They have oppressed the peaceful planet of Naboo and we were secretly sent by the chancellor to negotiate things with the federation.  They tried to kill us, but we made it to the planet and that's when we found you. I assure you that me and my friends are no criminals-

Zeratul: That will be enough.  For now we must work out how we are going to stop the Zerg force, for the rest of the Templar are miles from here.

Qui Gonn: I assure you, that when you have two Jedi with you, you are perfectly safe.

Zeratul: Uh, sure, whatever you say human.

(The ship lands, they get out and meet Chancellor Velorum and Senator Palpatine.)

Chancellor: Qui Gonn? Where did you steal that ship from, the circus??!!  And who are these strange life forms you have brought with you?

Tassadar: I am Tassadar of the Protoss Conclave, and I am here with my companions because I need to borrow your wormhole generator-

Qui Gonn: Let me handle this Mr. Tassadar.

Qui Gonn: (whispering to Velorum) I think they are federation spies.  They landed just as we were leaving Naboo.

(out loud) if I may, Mr. Tassadar, I want to speak with someone before I am taking off to prison.

Tassadar: Very well, human, Fenix, you and Raynor take the two humans to where they want to go.  The rest of us will ready this planet for the Zerg invasion.

Scene IV: Padme, Amidala, Kerrigan, and Alfred prepare to leave on the Queen's private transport.

Kerrigan: Stop …. Something's coming up from behind us, I can feel it.

Padme: Great, and I suppose you are a Jedi too?  Sorry, toots, women can't use the power of the force.

(An infested Terran enters the hangar.)

Padme: AAAAAAHHH!  A walking bug. Alfred !!

(Alfred fires his blaster at the infested Terran, who telepathically makes the laser disappear right before they reach him. He approaches the group and Alfred tries again to kill the figure, but cannot.)

Infested Terran: Sarah.  Sarah Kerrigan.  I have been looking all over for you.  I would have never guessed you'd go through a wormhole to try to get away from me.  Hey, your boobs are bigger than I remember them being.

(Padme, Alfred, and Amidala are terrified and are in the corner, shaking with fright.)

Kerrigan: Hey, I know who you are, you are Marcraft, the former ghost who became infested and is now in second command of the swarm!!! You're the reason we ended up in this weirdo galaxy in the first place!!

(Kerrigan charges forward at Marcraft, but he dodges and knocks her on the ground.)

Marcraft: Fool!!  Do you think you can defeat me, as I am now?  I haven't come here to harm you.  

Kerrigan: Then why HAVE you come here??

Marcraft: I want you to join me Sarah, you are a powerful ghost, the swarm could use you!!

Kerrigan: The Zerg are the reason that my parents were killed when I was a little girl!! And YOU, buddy, are the one responsible for the death of my boyfriend!! Do you know how hard it is to find a good guy these days?

Marcraft: Um, no Sarah, I didn't kill your boyfriend.

Kerrigan: Why do you keep calling me Sarah?  You killed my boyfriend!!!

Marcraft: No, Kerrigan, I am your boyfriend!!

Kerrigan: Charlie!!?? No way, you're lying!! NO!! It can't be!!

Marcraft: You have telekinetic powers; you should be able to pick up my aura!!

(Kerrigan, sobbing, gets on to Amidala's private cruiser, where Padme was trying to sneak off.  She gets on before the hatch closes, and takes off, leaving Marcraft in the hangar)

Scene V: The viceroy and Senator Palpatine (or Darth Sidious, whoever you want to believe is the hooded figure in Episode one) talk

Viceroy: The army is ready admiral; we can begin the invasion any time now.

SP: Don't do it yet, viceroy.  Strange things are happening.  Instead of just two disturbances in the force we felt when we first arrived here, I am now sensing two disturbances in the force on Naboo, Five disturbances on Coruscant, and many small disturbances in space heading toward Coruscant.  I am sending my apprentice, Darth Maul, to investigate Coruscant.  We need to find out what is going on before we make any moves.

Viceroy: Yes, my lord.

Scene VI: Fenix and Raynor escort Obi Wan Kenobi to make their prisoners "phone call" so to speak.

(The three men and Protoss enter the room where the Jedi Council is seated, waiting for Qui Gonn to update them on the situation with the sith. (Note: Mace Windu is the bald black man that played "Morphius" in the Matrix))

Yoda: Qui Gonn.  We like not to come out here at 5:30 in the morning.  What have you to say Qui Gonn, and what of these life forms?

(Raynor points his gun at Qui Gonn's head)

Raynor: If this is a setup, Im'll blow you to kingdom come.

Qui Gonn: Master Yoda, the creature with the glowing eyes came while we were on Naboo. I suspect that they are from the order of the sith.

(Yoda eyes both Fenix and Raynor, then speaks)

Yoda: Strangers, this is the Jedi Council of the Jedi order.  Qui Gonn, why is it you think these are Sith?

(Yoda and Qui Gonn converse, while Fenix and Raynor talk seperatly.)

Raynor: What the heck is the Jedi Council?

Fenix: I think he is talking about the Head Eye Council. It's a galactic Women's rights organization.  Sometimes I can't get to work on time because their marching in the streets gets in the way.

Raynor: I knew it!!! This must be their court!! Darn those democrats!!!

(Yoda finishes talking to Qui Gonn and interrupts their conversation.)

Yoda: Under arrest, you two are.  Federation spies, I think you are.

Fenix: Um, don't you feminists think you are taking this a bit too far?

Yoda: Feminists, we are not.  It depends upon your prospective.

Raynor: ("whispering" to Fenix) Typical democrat logic.

Yoda: Affiliated with the Sith, are you?

Raynor: What are the Sith?

Mace Windu: The Sith are the ones who oppose what we are doing and oppose us.

Raynor: Well, we don't agree with ALL of what you are doing but …

Windu: Ah, so you are with the sith, but you are trying to cover it up, are you?  

Raynor: Uh, no… (Whispering)  Fenix I think we need to get out of here!!

Yoda: What more have you to say.  If nothing more, terminate you we shall!!

(Fenix and Raynor immediately take off running. Qui Gon tries to knock them down with his Jedi powers but Fenix's Psi abilities were protecting him and Raynor.  They begin to pursue when Yoda tells them to stop.)

Yoda: Important they aren't.  We must use the force to locate the real Sith that is on this

(Obi Won and Qui Gon both bow)

Obi Wan: Yes, masta. 

Scene VII:

(Darth Sidious talks with Marcraft on the Zerg fleet approaching the planet Coruscant.  With Darth Sidious is his apprentice, Darth Maul.)

Marcraft: You'd better have a good reason for interrupting our trip to catch the Templar.

Darth Sidious: I know nothing of any Templar!  But I do know that If you interfere in any way with sith takeover or Coruscant or the invasion of Naboo, I will be forced to destroy you.  Where are you headed?

Marcraft: How should I know? We are following the Psi signals of Fenix and his Templar.

Darth Sidious: (Thinking to himself.) He must be referring to the Jedi.  I cannot let these men mess with the Jedi.

(Out loud) You will not mess with them.  They are for the sith to eliminate so that we make our rightful ascension to rule the entire Galactic republic!!

(Marcraft shows  his claws and readies his spines, he had spines just as hydralisks did.  Darth Maul activates his red light saber and steps out in front of Darth Sidious)

Marcraft:  If you are working on the same side of the templar than you must be destroyed!!

(Marcraft fires about a dozen spines, he could do about 3 a second, and they were very fast.  Darth Maul however, is able to deflect them with his light saber with his superhuman reflexes. Marcraft charges forward and slashes at Maul, but he again blocks it with his light saber.  Marcraft's hardened carapace kept his hand from coming off and Darth Maul was shocked that it hadn't. Marcraft spits out ensnare slime at Maul. It corrodes one end of his light saber and it flickers and cuts off and he may only use one side. He had to free himself from the ensnare but was still partially slowed down.  Marcraft again charged forward with his claws and all Maul could do was kick him, the ensnare had slowed him down.  By electrifying his body, Darth Maul was able to shake off the effects of the slowdown. Darth Maul then flung his light saber at Marcraft and it made a scratch in his carapace and knocked MC against the wall. Marcraft tried to get up in time to shoot a spine at Maul but he had already gotten his light saber and he managed to block the spines that he flung at them. Marcraft then stopped. Darth Maul disarmed his light saber.)

Marcraft: You know that there is no way that you can defeat the Zerg!!

Darth Maul:  I will worry about your "Zerg" when I need to.  For now, realize that if you mess with the jedi then we will be forced to destroy you.

(Darth Sidious and Maul leave.)

Scene VIII  (Fenix, Zeratul, Tassadar, and Raynor watch as the overlords and spores come out of the sky.  The spored burst open and out come hundreds of Zerg.  Screams can be heard all through the city as the Zerg approach them.  Qui Gonn, Obi Wan, and Yoda watch in amazement.  After a half hour of slashing hydralisks with light sabers and hitting zerglings with psi blades, the Zerg retreat.  After they do, Qui Gonn knocks Tassadar down and arms his light saber.) 

Qui Gonn:  This is your doing isn't it??  I'll have you destroyed for this.

Tassadar:  Foolish human!! Did you not see us fighting for our lives against those beasts.

Qui Gonn:  A cheap Sith trick to hide your guilt.  I guess you didn't plan on having us kill every last one of those worms did you?

Tassadar:  You had better not mess with me human, if the conclave doesn't  get to you first, I'll kill you!!

(Tassadar furiously fires PSI assault trying to hit Qui Gonn high and low.  Qui Gonn is able to block them with his light saber with moderate effort. After about a dozen shots by Tassadar, Qui Gonn is able to counter, he knocks Tassadar down by hitting him in the legs. Tassadar couldn't have countered in time, so he discharged his plasma shield, which totally took Qui Gonn by surprise and knocked him on his feet.  This turned the momentum in is favor slightly as he had more time to get up. Tassadar is still moving too fast, and Qui Gonn too slow, and was able to put a PSI bolt right in Qui Gonns chest.)

Obi Wan: Masta!!

(Zeratul was about to interrupt, when they saw Darth Maul.)

Maul:  The Sith must prove their superiority over the Jedi. (Looking at Qui Gonn, laying down holding his chest.)  Whoever did harm to the jedi must die.

(No one says anything but Darth Maul looks at Tassadar and immediately begins attacking him.  It caught Tassadar by surprise but without his plasma shields and the fatigue from the other battle added with Maul's fury allowed him to make quick work of Tassadar.  Tassadar falls to the ground with a the light saber in his back.  Zeratul was about to come over and attack Maul when he heard a familiar alarm that startled everyone.  Then he heard the screaming voice of Jar Jar Binks, that reminded him of a sesame street character.)

Jar Jar:  Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!  Mesa pushed wrong button, Mesa thought I pushed the button for the Sushi maker!!

Zeratul:  That overgrown mudfish activated the Carriers self destruct sequence!!! Quick!!! Raynor grab Tassadar. Let's get out of here!!

(Raynor Grabs Tassadar and Obi Wan grabs Qui Gon and they run for it.  After a long while an enourmous explosion   shook the city.  A stack of smoke reached into the sky.  Obi Wan heard something hit the ground near his feet.  It was Darth Maul's cape.  He must have melted.)

To be continued…

 Disclaimer: I don't own Starcraft, Star Wars Dell, Gateway, Babylon 5, Toys 'R us, Best Buy, Victorias Secret, Master Card, The famous line from Star Wars, The Matrix


End file.
